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[20 Jul 2003|12:34pm] |
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My birthday is on Saturday, and yet I have no plans and no one to be with. I'm really pathetic...
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[28 Jun 2003|09:32am] |
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A last minute trip home to see family has prevented me from updating and/or being an active member around here. I apologize. The reason for my sudden leave will not be something I discuss at this time, but perhaps later on I'll feel more comfortable elaborating.
I miss those I have gotten to know around here, especially Keira. I don't think I've properly thanked her for everything she's done for me, nor do I think there's any possible way to repay her for her support and care. She is one of the sweetest and most genuine people I have met in my life and now that I know her, I don't know what I would do without her.
On a less serious note, Keira, look who's here!! I think I'm actually starstruck. I need to meet him. ;)
My friends page moves quickly and it would be impossible for me to go back and read over a weeks worth of entries. I'll try to catch as much as I can, but again, I apologize that I cannot read everything. If I've missed anything important since my absence, please fill me in.
Bif, I'm glad it was you who got my name for the challenge. You did a great job pimping me and responding to entries. I think it's only right that you were the one to do so, after all, you were one of my very first friends around here. :)
And Maggie, I'm sorry I got disconnected last night on AIM and wasn't able to return. Please don't delete, everyone would miss you. Perhaps take a little break from posting? But DO NOT delete.
I can't think of anything else to update about right now, but if anything comes to mind I'll add it later.
I hope everyone is doing well. What have you been up to?
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[15 Jun 2003|10:50am] |
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It's been a while since my last update. No, I haven't forgotten about this thing, I've just not felt the desire or need to update. When your life replays the same story or scenario over and over again, there comes a point when there's no longer anything new to say.
Passing the time with friends has been good for me. Lunch with ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) k__moss and her adorable daughter a few days ago was wonderful. It was nice to have girl talk and giggle over silly things.
Yesterday morning and afternoon were spent with m_allan_sr71. Coffee and window shopping occupied our time, and after a few hours I was finally able to convince him to go INSIDE the stores. It's funny how most men cannot stand to shop, while women wouldn't be able to live without it. I helped him pick out some new stuff for his shows, and though his taste is quite different from mine, I think I was able to provide some assistance.
Last night was spent in the company of none other than my most recent co-star, hugh__grant. There are some people who, no matter how good a mask you're wearing, are always able to see right through to the real you. Hugh, for me, is one of those people. He's been salsa-ing with me enough times to know that it makes me incredibly happy and carefree. He knew something was off last night, and yet, he didn't ask what it was. And I didn't tell. He let me think I was fooling him, and it wasn't until he dropped me off and leaned in for a goodbye hug that he whispered that he knew something was wrong. He didn't have to tell me he was there if I needed him. He knew that I knew that that would always be the case.
We said goodnight and I watched until his retreating car had disappeared around a corner before I closed the door of my home.
I tried to sleep, but my mind was too filled with thoughts to allow me to relax. My hands shook and my mouth felt dry with the desire for something to numb the pain. I boiled water for tea then poured the steaming liquid into a mug and aimlessly dunked in the tea bag. I walked to the couch in the living room and sat. The tea felt warm against my throat, but no matter how hard I tried to get my head to clear, the effect wasn't the same. I stayed seated as the hours passed and the melange of emotions and thoughts ran through me. I didn't move until the sunlight broke through the window, its rays hot against the side of my body. The clock on the table read 9:04.
EDIT: A big, huge, loving HAPPY BIRTHDAY to bif_naked_!! I hope it's a great one! :)
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| Some people are sick |
[09 Jun 2003|05:11pm] |
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I won the restraining order against the psychopath Thomas Weldon who's been stalking me across America. He is now required to keep out of contact with me for three years. Hopefully that'll be enough time for him to get his issues in order. People are really sick.
Tonight I'm off to The Viper Room to celebrate Johnny's birthday and to see Keanu's band perform. I'm not sure how long I'll stay, I'm not really in the partying mood, but it'll do me some good to at least stop by. I'm looking forward to catching up with friends and meeting new people.
That's about all I have to say for now.
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| 5 Questions from mrkilborn |
[07 Jun 2003|10:08pm] |
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1. What movie do you think was your best and why?
You had to start with a hard one, didn't you? ;) Anyway, I'd have to say Practical Magic, probably because its story is my favorite. I really enjoyed working on that film, and I think it shows.
2. What makes you feel sexiest?
Being a goof and just being myself. Also, being told I'm beautiful and receiving male attention when I'm not all dolled up.
3. Who was your favorite co-star?
My favorite female co-star was Nicole Kidman, and my favorite male co-star was Hugh Grant. Though I really do love all my co-stars. :)
4. What makes you laugh the most?
Little inside jokes that are shared between two close friends. I don't like when people go out of their way to be funny -- it just has to happen on its own.
5. You've got a week off with no responsibilities. What do you do?
Oh gosh, where do I start?! I suppose I'd spend half of it alone and half of it with people I love. I'd rest for the first few days -- catch up on sleep, read, watch tv. Then, when that got boring, I'd probably start crafting project -- I love to build things with my hands. I'd take each day one at a time and do things spontaneously. I don't like my life to be too planned out. I like adventure.
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| Subjects = Bad |
[07 Jun 2003|09:46am] |
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The days pass by, and I with them. One foot in front of the other, baby steps, each thought about and carefully planned before placed in front of me. Slowly but surely I'll get to where I'm going. Hopefully Eventually.
Dancing with v_vaughn on Tuesday night was wonderful. He kept me smiling and was able to make me forget about everything that has been going on. I needed that, and I will make it up to him somehow.
To my surprise, he really was a good dancer. And that charm! It could make any girl's heart melt. The way he smiles and keeps his eyes on you and only you as you move with him, I felt like the luckiest woman in the room. He refuses to admit it, but other women WERE staring at him. Who wouldn't? ;)
Thursday was yoga followed by dinner with k_reeves. The yoga hurt like nothing I've ever felt before, but I liked it. I was ready to kill the teacher by the end, but after my muscles had had some time to relax, I realized that I really DID feel good. There's no doubt I will be going back. There's a class in a few hours and if I can drag myself out of my comfortable pajamas, maybe I'll attend.
Monday you'll find me at the Viper Room watching k_reeves and his band perform, as well as celebrating the birthday of johnny_depp_. It should be fun, at least I hope so.
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| Thank You |
[02 Jun 2003|03:35pm] |
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I owe a very large thank you to everyone who has been so helpful and compassionate toward me these past few days. All the replies to my posts, words of support and wisdom, and the conversations on AIM are all greatly appreciated. I would write a list of individual thank you's, but I don't want to leave anyone out. So please, accept this one big "Thank you" instead. Also, please be aware that if there is ever anything I can do to help you as much as you've helped me, I will gladly do anything in my power to do so.
Though every comment was taken to heart, it was Luke's that made me stop and reflect the most. He told me that "if something is meant to be, it's not going to disappear just because [I] didn't jump on it and wrap [my] arms around it and smother it to death." I had never realized that that is exactly how I am. I jump, wrap and smother too soon for fear that it will go away, for fear that I'll miss out. I feel incredibly stupid for not realizing this sooner.
There's a thin line between taking a chance and forcing something. Now that I know this I can attempt to fix the problem. And surprisingly, I feel like it's something I can do. I feel content to sit back and wait, because I know that if I let things happen the way they're supposed to, it will work out better in the end. And I'd rather wait an eternity to find what I'm waiting for, rather than force something that would lead to sooner results but eventually let me down in the end.
I got a good night's rest last night, and though there's still a part of me that's a little sad, for the most part, I'm much better. Keanu suggested I try a yoga class, and I signed up for one later this afternoon. I'm looking forward to it. I love trying new things and this will help clear my head as well.
Anyway, thanks again to all of you who've helped me (and are continuing) to help me through this. I don't know what I would do without you. :-*
And to those of you I have plans with this week: I can't wait. :)
Edit: I want to take everyone's compatibility quizzes but it won't let me. :(
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| My subject line is lonely for your subject line |
[31 May 2003|04:12pm] |
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Matchbox Twenty -- Unwell |
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I fear I'm running out of ways to occupy myself and pass the time. I've felt like I've needed to keep myself busy for fear of just standing still, but yet, I think I've done everything I possibly can and there's no way to keep this from happening soon. In the past few weeks, I've organized, redecorated a little, took care of errands I had been putting off, returned all the phone calls I needed to, went to Vegas, went skydiving, drank too much, made flower arrangements for friends, and, most recently, vented in a locked post about everything I'm feeling.
I can feel myself slowing down and I don't want to. I'm not yet ready to stop. I hate the fact that I'm turning into the insecure, obsessive person I always told myself I'd never be. I guess it's true what they say about things coming back to bite you in the ass.
I hate that I've been thinking so much lately. I hate that I've begun to analyze everything and fail to let myself just go with the flow like I used to. It's frightening to me that I've become what I am. And as much as I want to go back to being the way I was, a part of me can't. I've gotten comfortable being this new person. I've grown comfortable with the pain, and that's so sad. I think it's a cycle. A cause and effect that's led me down a path I never thought I'd travel.
I was speaking to a friend the other night and he told me that he had always been envious of the way I used to let things roll of my back. The way I was able to shrug off any negativity and move on. It was ironic to me that he chose that night to tell me this, because it was that night that I realized that I had changed.
When it comes down to it, I believe it's all about how much you're willing to risk to get to where you want to be. It's a matter of making the decision to face whatever obstacle is placed in front of you, because you're aware that what awaits on the other side is well worth the struggle it may take to get there. I feel ready to do this but I can't. Not without help.
I've always admired people and stories of people who have gone against the odds for whatever reason. I hold a great amount of respect for someone who can say "My world was falling apart, but I turned it around and made it through."
Do you ever wonder what you've missed out on, or what your life would be like if you had done that one thing, taken that one chance, or faced that one fear? Everyone has something that they regret, but why does it have to be that way? Why do we as humans have so much fear? Is it because of the world around us? Because of everything we've seen or heard about? Do we lack the motivation? Or the willpower to weather the storm?
What's ironic is that even after we take chances that turn out in our favor, we fail to do it again. Each time we're torn between acting on something or sitting back and letting it pass by, we're back to the same mindset we were in during the very first time. We think we're not good enough. And each time, it fails to get easier.
It is our nature to seek happiness, but yet, I've noticed that many people convince themselves that finding happiness is as impossible as being able to fly. They let that part of them takeover until they believe it with their whole heart. Fighting it is hard, even with constant reminders that you really are a good person.
We are our toughest critics, and I think that's one of the reasons we don't take chances. We fear letting others down. We fear letting ourselves down. So much in fact, that when a mistake has been made, forgiving ourselves is the hardest challenge.
But mistakes are what make us human. There is not one person in this world who hasn't made a mistake at some point or another, and it's important for us to remember that. It's so easy to lock ourselves up or let ourselves believe that we don't deserve what we want because of past experiences. But we do. Everyone does.
My point is this: What if that one time you stopped yourself from pursuing something, or from taking a risk, it would have turned out to be worth it? Do you really want to live with that regret? Taking a chance IS worth it, because then at least you're able to say you gave it your best shot. Don't let yourself get trapped in a feeling of worthlessness. Always remember that there is someone out there who cares and would do anything to see you smile. And always remember that your life is in your hands. It has every potential to be as good or as bad as you make it. Whatever you do, do it with your whole heart and live and love to the absolute fullest.
I realize that probably very few people have read this incredibly long and boring post, but I felt it was something I had to say. And it is my hope that there is at least one person who has read this and benefited from its insight. Or if not, maybe it merely provided food for thought.
Sandy
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| Question Post |
[28 May 2003|10:15pm] |
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Alright, I've seen a few people make an "Ask me anything" post, and I figured I'd follow the trend. I don't have a good reason why, I just figured it might be fun. Some of the questions people were asked were interesting, thought provoking, or even just plain amusing. Hopefully I myself will receive a good mix of all kinds.
So ask away. I dare you. :)
Sandy
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| I need help with clever subject titles... |
[24 May 2003|10:25pm] |
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Keeping with my new-found independent woman theme, the last few days I have pushed myself to not only try new things, but to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. I've realized that life is too short to be spent sulking over what's gone wrong. I'm a little late at coming to that realization, I know, but it's better late than never, I suppose.
Friday was spent alone, but today was spent with a girlfriend of mine whom I haven't seen in years. I grew up with her and though we talk a lot on the phone, our conflicting schedules keep us apart.
However, she surprised me by flying into town to spend the long weekend with me. Seeing her at my door was a breath of fresh air. I could not have been happier.
After a quick catching up over coffee (like I said before, we talk a lot therefore didn't have much to catch up on), we went shopping and spent the entire afternoon laughing and joking around like old times. We're goofs when we're together. But then again, when am I not a goof?
As I had expected, she asked me questions about recent events but I merely brushed her questions off. A big part of me wanted to tell her everything, but an even larger part of me told me that talking about things would bring them to the surface once again. I've successfully pushed the thoughts away and right now the last thing I need is to let them take complete control again. I realize that one day I will have to confront them and come to terms with what I'm feeling, unfortunately, right now that's not possible. Right now, suppressing them is my only option. And for the time being I'm okay with that.
This entry was supposed to be happy, because really, I AM happy. Or at least content.
There are only a few things that could make me more happy, and for those I am willing to wait an eternity. :)
Sandy
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| :) |
[22 May 2003|05:59am] |
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It's six am and I'm restless. I have this energy that I haven't noticed in a long while. I feel rejuvenated and refreshed and it is definitely a welcomed change from my usual moods as of late. I'm going to take advantage of my mood and spend the day doing whatever I want. As much as a big part of me doesn't want to be alone, I think a day to myself is necessary.
First I'm going to go for a jog as soon as I finish typing this. Then I think I'll grab a fattening breakfast. After that, perhaps a trip to the flower shop. I feel like buying myself flowers and making my home look more like spring/summer.
Things are still incredibly complicated, in fact, they may be even more so than before, but I'm alright. I think I've learned to accept that this is something that won't be solved with a clear cut, black and white answer. I can't take control of this situation, I have to let it take control of me. I'm at its mercy, and it's taken some getting used to.
The unknown is scary but I also find it exhilarating. I don't know where tomorrow leads but I'm enjoying the ride. That's all that matters right now.
I'm scared of blackmail
Sandy
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| I'm hungover, ignore this post... |
[19 May 2003|06:12am] |
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Let me first start by saying that hangovers are no fun whatsoever. My head is throbbing, almost as much as my heart is, and I feel like I'm going to vomit. The rest of this post is going to be cryptic, so feel free to skip it.
I don't remember all of the details of how it happened but I remember liking it. Everything about the evening fit and as it progressed I felt like for the first time in a while I was genuinely happy. I wanted to be right where I was. I was laughing, smiling, joking. I felt beautiful and special. This unspoken tie between us told me that I didn't have to lie to him. It soothed me and told me I could be myself and I needed that more than anyone will ever know. I needed him more than anyone will ever know.
I think I will forever be haunted by the fact that I was the one to pull away first and retreat from the situation. I did so because I knew it was wrong to continue, but oh how I wish I hadn't. Why can't I be one of those drunks who loses all sense of her surroundings and common sense? I was beginning to feel again, but as quickly as I began to, I stopped. As quickly as it had started, it ended and I walked away -- literally -- as my head screamed that I was doing the right thing, but my heart told me differently.
Tears streamed down my face as I walked back into the room. I wanted him to stop me, to come back after me and give me a reason to say. But he didn't, and I think a part of me likes him even more for that. I didn't, and still don't, understand how things can change so quickly. For once I don't want to be the responsible one. I don't want to care that I'm not allowed to be feeling what I'm feeling.
I'm confused. Lost. Cold. Emotional. And I can't stop thinking about those last few moments. The undeniable sparks that flew. A big part of me is yelling that it wasn't just the alcohol, and I want to listen. But I don't know if I can without causing problems.
What are you supposed to do when the one thing that suddenly feels so right, could possibly be so wrong?
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| I'm feeling thoughtful... |
[16 May 2003|03:46pm] |
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Its another day, but for some strange reason the song "Game of Love" is stuck in my head. It started to make me think of all the times of how I and probably everyone else, have made a fool out of myself chasing after that one seemingly elusive "end all" relationship.
We all go through our own different transformations, of what we consider might be attractive to our potential partners...we constantly (or at least most of us) reinvent ourselves. Often we even change the crowd we hang out with, to achieve what we feel is desirable in our hearts, our minds, and almost always our respective families. I myself have gone through more phases, or versions of myself with the hopes that I will find my elusive other half. In fact, the majority of us have commited antics in the past where, we in hind sight say to ourselves "OMG! I couldnt believe I did that...or I cant believe I was ever like that!" For whatever reasons we change our appearance or change our attitudes, the one thing we all have in common is the desire for companionship...whatever the level that might be.
It reminds me of a greek myth, of how when the world was still in in its infancy, human beings walked around with two heads with a large body. These human beings however had 2 souls, legend has it that the Olympian gods became unhappy with what they saw, and so while these beings slept, cast a spell to seperate the beings into two bodies(Male and Female)...each with its own soul. As the story goes, after the seperation, the gods took it one step further and willed these humans into different parts of the world. When these people woke up, they were at first happy with the changes that have taken place...but as time progressed, they began to feel lonely and empty. As if a part of them is missing...and they began to search....for what was lost...they were searching for their soulmates.
How is this relevant? It just seems to me that we as individuals, for the most part, spend our lives searching for that one person that makes us complete. However different each of our priorities are...wether it is by partying, school, career, friends, or family...each one of us eventually spend a lot of time doing or searching for what we think will make us whole. Happiness and what we consider an ideal mate is defined differently for each and everyone of us, and for those who devote a lot of time searching for "the one", what do we consider ideal? Would it be complete physical perfection? Could happiness be truly found in such a limited scope? Or for those who do not emphasize on that alone...would a sense of humor a good heart, be enough to consider that to be "the one." Are we eliminating a too broad of a spectrum of potential lovers because they do not match our criteria? How do we know that the girl\boy down the street isnt our potential soulmate? Or how the most unlikely people would the most loyal and greatest friends we have.
I guess my point is that, what do we really lose if we write off a person that does not meet our expectations of what an ideal mate should be? I am not saying that we should give the definite losers and scourge of humanity a chance. How many of us, complain that we have so few friends, or that we are having problems finding that one person? Only to turn around and make a comment to a friend that he or she will make some lucky person very happy someday. Im not trying to suggest that we all change how we look for love or how select our friends...I am merely trying to give food for thought. We live in such a fast paced and complex world, and we have to embrace each experience that life hands us...and if we blink or hesitate...opportunities for good friends and lovers could be lost forever.
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| I hate subjects |
[11 May 2003|12:54pm] |
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Where to begin, where to begin? I have quite a bit to update about, so I guess that's a good thing... right?
I would just like to say that I could not be happier that chris_o_donnell has finally cracked and gotten himself a journal. I've missed him terribly.
I was fortunate enough to meet up with him, chris_o_donnell, a few nights ago. I dragged him to my favorite salsa club, then he took me to his favorite spot where we sat looking up at the stars and talked. I had a great time, even though the grass WAS a little wet. :) I could go on and on for pages about our night, but since he only wrote one sentence in HIS journal, I'll keep mine short as well. :-P
I'm supposed to see Chris again before he leaves for filming, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really looking forward to it.
mrkilborn has succeeded in turning me into a basketball fan. I've even gone so far as to purchase court side tickets for the last few games. I'm glad he doesn't think I'm completely lacking in the basketball knowledge department. :)
Oh? And Monopoly is my new favorite game!
The other night I attended the Matrix: Reloaded premiere and I highly suggest you all go out and see it. Keanu, and everyone else, was fabulous. I might have to go see it again.
Well, I think that's about it for now.
Sandy
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| "All my life is based on having fun, laughing and making things as funny as possible." |
[07 May 2003|05:40pm] |
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Hmm, what is there to say about this past week? Not a whole lot, really. I've made some new friends, caught up with old ones, worked, laughed, danced, etc. My life is rather boring, unfortunately.
Is it just me, or have these past few weeks flown by really quickly? I feel like I wake up every Monday morning dreading the coming week, but then it's almost over before I know it. Tomorrow's already Thursday!
I was randomly browsing the internet the other day and I came across a list of personal quotations which I must have stated at some point or another. I'm going to be self-obsorbed for a minute and post them. Why? For one, it makes my post look longer (hehe) and second of all, some of them made me laugh. There are quite a few so I'm going to put them behind a cut-tag. Aren't I thoughtful? ;)
( 'I'm a fool for love... I'm a big believer in love at first sight because I think everything happens for a reason.' )
I was planning on staying home this evening but I can practically hear my usual salsa club calling my name, telling me to get dressed up and just go out and have fun. I'm quite tempted, but I'd rather not go alone. Any takers? Leave a comment or IM me at Sorta Sandra if you're interested. And don't worry if you've never salsa danced before, it's not too difficult.
Sandy
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| I stole this from my favorite talk show host :) |
[28 Apr 2003|07:46pm] |
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Sandy is _______.
Sandy thinks a lot about _______.
When I think of Sandy I think of ________.
I want Sandy to ________ me.
Sandy wants ______.
Sandy needs ______.
If I could describe Sandy in a few words: _______.
______ is how I describe meeting Sandy.
Sandy will never ______.
Sandy can ______ my _______.
If I were alone in a room with Sandy I would _______.
Without Sandy, my life would be _______.
I hope Sandy never _____.
I _____ Sandy because _______.
Worst thing about Sandy is _______.
Best thing about Sandy is _______.
I am ______ with Sandy.
I love Sandy because _______.
Okay, I added the last one myself, but you all still need to answer it. :-*
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| I'm Back! |
[26 Apr 2003|07:25pm] |
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chipper |
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I'm back!
Did you guys miss me?
You better have. :)
I'm so sorry I haven't been around. Things have been rather crazy, and in the middle of everything I had to take care of a family emergency. But I'm back now and hopefully better than ever.
How has everyone been? I need to catch up around here...
Sandy
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